A lump of coal for Christmas

Photo by Warner Bros. Pictures, Warner Bros. Pictures

Unmarried couple Kate (Reese Witherspoon) and Brad (Vince Vaughn) discover the pitfalls of holding a baby named Jackson.

The makers of "Four Christmases" should have gone ahead and dropped a couple of F-bombs into the film alongside the references to "street whores," nipples, senior sex and vomit, because -- contrary to the promise of a print ad campaign that depicts adorable Reese Witherspoon and sturdy Vince Vaughn festively wrapped in red ribbon -- this is no holiday gift for the family.

Photo by Warner Bros. Pictures

Unmarried couple Kate (Reese Witherspoon) and Brad (Vince Vaughn) discover the pitfalls of holding a baby named Jackson.

A "Restricted" rating would be more instructive than the movie's actual "PG-13." For one thing, it would discourage parents from dragging along young children, who may be shocked to learn -- less than 25 minutes into the movie -- that no, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus.

Staged with all the style and warmth of the holiday sales aisle

at Walgreens, "Four Christmases" casts Vaughn and Witherspoon as longtime couple Brad and Kate, who traditionally duck family obligations by flying off for romantic vacations during the holidays, while claiming to be "inoculating babies in Burma" or performing some other charitable service. (The couple's vacation preparations ensure that "Four Christmases" is about the 10th movie of 2008 to contain a "fun" montage backed by Buster Poindexter's "Hot Hot Hot.")

Not only are Brad and Kate unmarried and childless, but they aggressively claim, early in the film, that they don't want to get hitched or reproduce. This assertion, of course, depressingly negates the movie's sometimes Scrooge-like sense of irreverent anti-family humor by immediately tipping viewers that the entire film -- like one of Jigsaw's contraptions in a "Saw" sequel -- has been constructed to de-program and funnel its rebel victims, Brad and Kate, into the socially approved states of wedlock and parenthood.

When thick fog grounds all flights out of San Francisco, Brad and Kate are compelled to visit all four of their (now divorced) parents in the single day before their rescheduled departure. These visits essentially break the film (credited to four writers) into chapters in which Brad and Kate are repeatedly humiliated and embarrassed, at least until they succumb to the wisdom of Kate's dad (Jon Voight), who says: "There's nothing more important than family." This, after Brad has been beaten up by his "semi-professional cage-fighter" brothers (Jon Favreau and Tim McGraw). The other parents are played by Robert Duvall, Mary Steenburgen and -- in the movie's most amusing segment -- Sissy Spacek.

In one weird episode, Brad and Kate are coerced into portraying Joseph and Mary in a church Nativity skit. The humor here apparently is supposed to be "edgy," but what it demonstrates is that clueless tastelessness and borderline offensiveness are now as mainstream as "Jingle Bells."

"Four Christmases" marks the feature narrative debut of director Seth Gordon, who earned the gig on the strength of his entertaining 2007 documentary "The King of Kong," about Donkey Kong obsessives. As in that film, "Christmases" is most entertaining when its central characters are standing still, as if at an arcade game console: Witherspoon barely reaches Vaughn's chest, so it's amusing to watch her height fluctuate, depending on how the director has contrived to fit her into the frame with her co-star.

Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual humor and rough language.

-- John Beifuss, 529-2394

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